remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
