What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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