I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Send help, water and tortillas.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
