Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
