it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
