Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Randomize
