I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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