You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Randomize
