She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I am midnight drunk by noon
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
