Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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