You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
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