My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
