Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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