at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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