you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
