I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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