She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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