i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
After tacos, we're chasing women.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
