why didn't you poke me back
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Randomize
