i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
