i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
