Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Randomize
