i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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