She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
Randomize
