I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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