my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Just invented taco cereal.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
