I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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