Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
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