His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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