Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
