I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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