FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
i'm transferring to degrassi. i don't care that it's severely canadian. classes are five minutes long, there's no actual work and you can get oot of class whenever you want to go have a dramatic scene with someone in the hall
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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