God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
