She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
