a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
