dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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