how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
