you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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