When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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