This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
You can't special order awesome
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Randomize
