Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Randomize
