I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
