I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
