I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Randomize
