the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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