Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
