Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
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