my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
