Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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