You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
