Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
