dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
So. Much. Porn.
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