ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
can u get pink eye on your cock?
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
