You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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