im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
